Mom Notes: That "How Did I Become This Person" Moment.
Today my husband and I took Alexa to "orientation" at the school where, in January, she will begin full day toddler "daycare" two days a week. When we first decided to move to Westport, I freaked out about Alexa being isolated at home all day, since I work and our nanny doesn't drive. And not much is within walking distance in suburbia. So I hastily enrolled her in daycare, figuring the school is across the street, I can walk her over and she could have a whole day of fun with little friends. Plus it would give me 2 days of relative quiet in the house where I could get major amounts of work done , spend full days doing meetings and such in the city, and not feel guilty about Alexa being stuck inside twiddling her tiny thumbs.
Of course, when I made this decision, we hadn't even left Manhattan yet. I had no idea that in mere weeks our lives in Westport would be packed with playgroups, lunch dates, mommy & me classes, and outings to aquariums and children's museums. The first 4 months flew by, and this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks as I walked down the driveway holding Alexa's hand and helping her navigate the sloping driveway while holding on to her favorite purse- on January 7 Alexa turns 2 and begins the first stage of what will become more and more time away from home (and me). Then of course the self doubt took over- did I make the wrong choice putting her in daycare when I still have the flexibility to spend time with her on those days? Am I being selfish, sending her out of the house so I can have it all to myself? The spiral of guilt took over, and next thing I knew, I was driving to the Post Office sobbing like, well, a 2 year old.
How did I become this person? I have no freaking idea.
(Note: While I am still teary about it, I know daycare is going to be amazing for her, I know I am going to be a better mom for those 2 days to myself and I know the way I am feeling is totally normal. Right?)