I am in a weird place.
It sort of feels like a calm before the storm- and given my love of the cozy days that come along with a dark and foreboding cloud cover, I should totally be enjoying the peace and quiet. I know in 3 months, when Baby #2 arrives, my world is going to be turned upside down. I will look back at days like today- when I spend the majority of my waking minutes feeling so guilty about not working enough/writing enough/cleaning enough/organizing enough/cooking enough that before I know it the day is over and all I have to show for it is a grumpy mood- and want to retroactively punch myself in the face.
I think I expected these kinds of "what is my life going to look like" self-doubts and emotions the first time around. I let myself chill out a bit because I knew that there was NO WAY I could be in any way prepared for the changes that were ahead as we went from a carefree couple to, gulp, parents so may as well enjoy lazy days in bed while they were still an option.
I guess I assumed having a second would not throw me for quite as much of a loop. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have always expected that it was going to be insanity- if I thought the two kid thing would be easy, I wouldn't have waited as long as I did to actually give it a go. And for exactly that reason, I thought I would better be able to enjoy the ride to the finish line. Allowing myself to temporarily slow down the pace, both professionally and personally.
The awareness of how severe the storm is going to be should allow me a higher comfort level with the chill time before it hits, right?
But so far, it hasn't. Living in limbo is making me a head case. And as such, I have come to the realization that perhaps this is the way I am wired, and I may never be able to change it. I may never be okay with watching TV in the middle of the day (I still close the blinds when I sneak a mid-day episode of Sons of Anarchy, which is ridiculous for many reasons, not the least of which is that nobody can see me and, heck, I am a grown up and if I want to watch biker dudes traffic guns for 52 minutes, that is my prerogative!), or taking a spontaneous (and most likely unnecessary) trip to HomeGoods just because. Partaking in these kind of activities- while our sitter takes care of my daughter(s)- may simply cause me so much guilt that I can't enjoy them, and therefor it isn't worth doing them in the first place. So I may as well continue working my butt off while simultaneously organizing every nook and cranny of our home and FINALLY getting around to making that photo album from out trip to Disney last May.
I wish I could re-wire my mind, at least for the next six months. I want to savor the silence, the free time, the afternoon naps. I really do. I know how fortunate I am to have them. But knowing how fortunate you are and enjoying how fortunate you are are two very different and, in my case at the moment, mutually exclusive things.
So there you have it- what is on my mind lately, from the minute I wake up until pretty much the minute I fall asleep at night. And now it is saved for all posterity so, in a few months when I am pulling my hair out trying to get a baby on a schedule while keeping Alexa feeling happy, loved and entertained, I can come back to the blog, read this, and, as previously stated, retroactively punch myself in the face.