Life Update: It's Been Awhile...
It has been a REALLY long time since I have written any really personal posts here. I have been trying to be laser-focused on serving up useful, action-oriented, shoppable content, both because it feels on-brand (especially with the launch of the weekly Ultimate Edit last year and the continuation of my Better Basics product-focused segments on TODAY), and it brings in a bit of revenue via affiliate links which is also nice!
But also, I feel like the older I get, the less open I am becoming about going THERE. By THERE, I mean anywhere really personal- and I am not so sure why. I think partly it is to protect the privacy of my husband -who hates that I share anything about our life in general and is not a big social media fan - and also not to embarrass my girls by sharing something that I think is adorable and sweet but they may not agree :) And, probably at the root of it, if I am being honest with myself, is that many of the feelings I am having right now, mainly related to motherhood and work/life balance, make me REALLY uncomfortable.
However, not documenting these feelings is a lost opportunity- and I don’t mean in the sense of content creation/SEO/building an engaged community here (which is often where my mind defaults to when budgeting time for stuff!). It is a lost opportunity for me to capture the raw emotions that come with motherhood, emotions that I know I will never be able to explain after-the-fact as accurately as if I were to record them in the moment. So, here we go…
Currently I am in a super nostalgic phase about my girls- it is bordering on forlorn, actually. Mourning the loss of the little kid innocence, the snuggle sessions, and the weekend nights where being home with mom and dad instead of a babysitter was enough to make them cheer with joy (now, it’s all about SLEEPOVERS- argh!). Looking back on those lazy weekend days that felt SO LONG, with Brian and I searching online to find any sort of local thing we could do to stay busy, and loading the girls in the car and just DOING IT. Throwing coats on them, stuffing snacks in my bag, and getting out- no begging to bring their friends along, no deadline to rush home so a playdate could happen, no slamming the door so we wouldn’t interrupt a group video chat or marathon Roblox session.
For me, the slow pace of the last 12 months has been a pleasure. Yes, clearly the context in which it happened was disastrous and tragic- but if I am going to reflect solely on my little bubble of day-to-day life with my family- not taking into account the work implications and the sh#t show that was homeschool- I honestly adored having no plans, no travel, no big commitments… Reflecting on it, I do wish I hadn’t spent so much time worrying about my kids screen time and starting so many fights with Alexa over it, and if I had let the girls BE a bit more in that respect, I would have had more time for myself to keep up on journaling/making family photo books and other things I regret letting fall by the wayside in 2020, but so it goes…
As things begin a return to “normal”, it becomes so much more clear to me how much my girls have grown up in the past year, and how much special time with them is already behind us. Things as simple as seeing moms holding their toddler’s little hands walking into the grocery at 11am on a Tuesday give me a lump in my throat- which is especially weird since I used to HATE doing errands with the girls when they were that age.
Alexa is 10- and to me, it seems like she is 13. Transitioning an entire social life into texts and Tik Toks and virtual playdates over Facetime really did force her to grow up faster. Lex wants to do her own thing, make her own plans, and me throwing out an offer for a mom/daughter activity falls on deaf (and/or defiant!) ears. Then, as I watch Goldie’s 6 year-old wide-eyed innocence and pure joy over finding a ladybug, playing with Barbie dolls, getting a new toy or making an impromptu stop at Dunkin Donuts, the realization of how fleeting that phase is smacks me in the face. Smacks me so hard I sometimes can’t even enjoy the sweet moments because I obsess over how soon I know they will stop.
This past Friday night we watched that movie “Yes Day” on Netflix. To preface this, let me tell you that I am not one to cry in movies. I can probably count on 2 hands all the movies that have ever made me cry in my lifetime- starting with “My Girl” back in the day. Lo and behold, “Yes Day” made me BAWL. I wanted to ugly cry and let out ungodly sobbing noises, but I held it together so as not to alarm my family. Not sure if you guys have seen it- its a fun watch, my kids loved it and even Brian enjoyed it. So many little things about it hit me- the age differences in the three kids really demonstrate the trajectory from “mommy mommy mommy!” to “mom, get the F out of my face” that happens from childhood into the teen years.
Alexa watched the entire movie without saying much, but I think she could feel my teary vibe from next to where she was laying. When the movie ended, she looked up and whispered to me, “Mom, can we have a sleepover tonight?” I all but jumped into the air shrieking with joy “YESSS!”. Brian took Goldie up to bed, Lex and I snagged a handful of my secret stash of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups from the freezer, and we scampered upstairs as quietly as we could, tucking into my bed and putting on an episode of “Glee” before dozing off.
So, I guess both in the movie and in real life, the lesson the universe was trying to teach me was that even when our kids seem like they don’t need or want us much anymore, they sometimes do. But at the same time, I feel lots of anxiety about this return to “normal” and getting caught up in a busy social calendar and overcommitting myself to things that, a year from now, I will look back on and be like “WTF was I thinking saying yes to that lunch date when I could have spent that hour getting work done so that later that day I could have picked my girls up from school and hung out with them instead of locking myself in my office?”
Changes are ahead, it’s inevitable. Both in my little world here, and in the big world at large. And I don’t feel ready for either of them! Anyone else?
I would love to hear from you guys on this topic- how do you feel about “post-pandemic” life feeling not so far off? And, whether you have young kids, older kids, grown kids or no kids at all, any tips on making the most of the moments you have, staying present and feeling exciting and optimistic about the memories ahead, as opposed to sad for the ones that will never be made again? Let’s discuss!
XX JF