Why I Cried In The Grocery Store Parking Lot Today

Why did I cry in the grocery store parking lot today?

Because Fresh Market was out of the vegetable potstickers that Alexa had been requesting all week as her "first day of kindergarten" lunch. And they are NEVER out of vegetable potstickers.

Because we went to "meet the teacher" this morning and the room was so hot Alexa's feet got all sweaty and she got all upset and then I remembered I forgot to write that she doesn't like to feel hot on the "About Your Student" I hastily filled out this morning.

Because as excited as she acts 60% of the time, the other 40% of the time is what runs through my head before I fall asleep at night- the times that she quietly tells me she is nervous and asks really smart questions that I can't answer like how will the bus driver know which stop is hers and how will she find her way to the cafeteria and what if there are mean girls in her class?

Because I know I screwed like 100,000,000 things up in the past 5.5 years and as a result, she is too easily frustrated, too sensitive, too quiet, too anxious, too nervous, too afraid to try new things, and a million other "too's" that I worry are going to make her first days and weeks at school challenging and I wish I had done a better job.

Because these past few weeks I often commented about counting the minutes until she set foot on that bus and headed off to school. And I was. But maybe I shouldn't have been. 

Because she said that she didn't want to go to school tomorrow since her "nose would twitch" and it would make her cry and she knows it will happen because her nose twitched today when we sat on the school bus to learn the safety rules- and then I remembered that she was holding her nose and when I asked why she snapped at me that it was because I was smelly but it really was because she was trying to be brave and not cry. 

Because it is the beginning of an entirely new era for our family- one that will include soccer games and beach bashes and PTA events and all sorts of busy-ness that makes me think I should have spent more time appreciating the low key schedule of preschool and taken Alexa on more day trips and stayed at more playdates and volunteered to be the mystery reader in her class like every day even though reading in front of 17 four year olds made me practically break out in hives.

Because I love this little person so freaking much and she is going to leave the house at 8am and not come back until 3:45pm and as much as she pushes my buttons and makes me borderline insane, I am going to really really miss her. 

And finally, because no other grocery has these particular potstickers and I have no idea how to break the news to her.