Mom Notes: That Question Everybody Asks

It used to be "What skin cream will get rid of my wrinkles?"

Now, its "When are you going to have a second?" 

And they are not referring to a martini. They are referring to a child. The answer in the case of the former is simple: How quickly can you make one? The answer to the latter? Ummmm...

Let me start this over-sharing ramble with a disclaimer:  I am very much aware that having a second may not be a choice at all.  The assumption that it will just happen seems like a very bold, and somewhat cavalier, one to make. So please understand that while I know when it comes down to it (or should I say IF it comes down to it) the decision may not be one at all, the mental process to get there is still very valid.

This whole process of figuring out what our family will look like has turned into an internal war with myself over selfish versus self-less. 

I am, for all intents and purposes, an only child. (I have two half-brothers from my dad's first marriage but we were not raised together and there is a significant age difference.) Growing up, I think I enjoyed it- I didn't know any other way. But, the older I get, the more I feel like having a sibling who shares the same family memories (and same family responsibilities) as me would be a comfort- not to mention perhaps provide some nice additions to Alexa's network of first cousins. 

It is no secret to anyone who knows me or reads this blog that I find being a mom incredibly challenging.  Stressful, frustrating, confusing, daunting, exhausting...I could go on. Yes, I am madly in love with my daughter.  But the changing of diapers, packing of lunches, and 3am watching of Bubble Guppies? I have a hard time relishing those "special" moments the way I feel like I am probably supposed to. 

In my mind, I feel like were I to have a second, many personal sacrifices would need to be made. Given how hard I find it to manage my work schedule and one toddler's schedule now, I can only imagine that with a second one to factor in, keeping segments, soccer practice and my sanity in order may break me. But many women I know do it- and do it well- leading me to spend nights tossing and turning wondering what the secret is that  I am missing?  On top of that- traveling...Not that we do it a ton now with one, but with two? There isn't enough Xanax in the world...

Stepping away from the selfish- for Alexa, having a little brother or sister would probably be a blast. Yeah, I am sure at times a nuisance (toy sharing is not her strong point, to put it mildly) but a live-in play mate? Sounds awesome. And as they grow up together- so many great memories, things that as an only child I can't fully picture but can most certainly imagine. 

Do I see myself with two kids? Honestly, no. But should I start to try?